Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Rosie's Rules of Responsible Dating.- On Being Casual

So this is for those of us who want to date casually, and don't want to rip people apart in the process, including ourselves. These are condensed and will be added to when appropriate. Feel free to add comments with other suggestions, I'll probably question the hell out of it, but don't take that personally.

1. The three time rule-If there is any chance for attachment three time is the maximum amount of times you can sleep with someone before the attachment sets in. Almost all sexual interactions have the propensity for attachment.
note-This is first because it gets quoted so often and was independently varified.

2. The space rule- If you have hot sex with someone and want to continue doing it, there are ways to navigate around attachment using space. Three time rule can be extended to once every season. Once a year. These strategies work best if you follow the three time rule the first time (or even stop at two) and then space it out.

3. Communication is always key- If you know you are keeping things casual and/or very slow and the other person wants solid relationship or let's get married right now, you both need to know that. If you don't have all that kind of stuff verbally on the table all assumptions are possible.

4. Responsibility to the hearts of others-
Part A)If you choose to tangle with someone who makes it clear that they will become attached, you won't, and you have the where with all to put a stop to it; you are being an asshole if you don't. Preferably before sex happens. Some people are softer than others and sexual interactions are a volatile playground where people'e emotional appendages can get drug out and stomped on. Do not do this! It will fuck up your game.
Part B) Avoid making energetically weighted statements. Examples: "I love you" "I totally want to have kids" These types of statements create attachments, they are in fact what I call "hooking statements." That is, they put hooks into people. Most of the time these sort of statements require attention to balance them out or require others to already have programmed reactions to eject the hooks. Most people do not have this and they shouldn't have to.
If you don't want attachments you need to watch your mouth and not create them.

5. Responsibility to Your Own heart-
Part A)Attachment often happens when we are not paying attention, are not expecting it, and/or do not want it. Following these rules, particularly the three time rule and making variations on them in order to care for ourselves is important.
Part B) Use caution when avoiding attachment by dating people you would not date if you were looking for a longer term situation. There are plenty of traps and manipulations out there; no matter how savvy you are there is a trap for you that some crazy mofo has devised.
Part C)Be very aware of who you are tangling with, what sort of thought you are supporting by engaging with them, and whether you are risking your safety; physically, mentally or emotionally, by engaging with them. Even in casual relationships abuse can occur, and if someone is perpetuating that against you in a casual relationship I can pretty much guarantee that they are using casual relationships for that due to a belief that they can get away with it for longer. Casual relationships do not mean you get to avoid calling people on their shit or being called on yours. It is not your responsibility to clean up the mess, but do not pretend it isn't there, especially if someone else encounters similar problems with the same person. We are in fact, interconnected, and when overlap is happening in our sexual relationships this becomes very clear and of more importance.
With this, please be cautious when choosing how to deal with the situation. Take care of your own safety and that of others. Sometimes just refusing to see the person any longer (preferably, but not necessarily telling them why) is enough.
Part D) If you have been as honest as you can be you don't owe anyone anything. Your body is your own and you can choose to engage to whatever degree you want to, even if you break some of the rules, so long as you were honest and forthcoming to the greatest degree then you are not responsible for the other persons heart or choices with in the dynamic. You may be responsible to talk through it with them or to give them space from you, especially if you broke the rules. But that does not mean you have to let them put hooks in you.

Note on Hooks
As far as hooks go, I have to say that I had someone accuse me of putting hooks in them when I was not and it turned out they were saying that to cover things they were doing to me. (Making claims to friends etc.)Please do not use this language as a weapon. Most people are unaware when they are putting hooks into o others it is a semi-conscious action that happens in unseen places. I advise describing how whatever action made you feel and re-iterating what kind of relationship you want to be having. If you feel threatened that hooks are happening I also advise not sleeping with that person again. Hooks have a tendency to stay unless you separate and give them time to die and if it is difficult to pull away that is evidence that they are there. In sexual dynamics weak cording is always present some connection/ attachment is always forged. These rules are mostly advice to avoid those taking noticeable energy to remove or to keep us from creating energy sucks.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Communication is something all of us fail at often if not alot of the time. We keep our secret crushes in our fragrance when they come near but that's all covered by underarm deodorant and essential oils.
We use outdated words that are overly connected to varying versions of familiar stories. These stories alter the meaning of our words as they reach the people we are speaking to. Our versions of the stories are not all the same.
The crushes people have on us our alluded to through conversations that rarely quite get to the point and almost never describe what people actually want.How many of us know what we actually want? Im proud of myself in that I know what I can handle and where it may differ from some desires particular portions of my brain may propel me towards at times.
My friends know varying versions of myself that change according to our relationship and my relation to myself at that particular moment. My lovers can only remain so if they keep to the script, because there are words that trigger things in the cultural psyche that are things I refuse to play with because people get hurt. And, because they signify manipulation when spoken of in ways that allow people to escape responsibility for what they are saying or conjuring up. Words are spells if you speak a spell you dont want; things you dont intend come to pass. It is important for us, especially those of us who have deep connections to the creative and spiritual realms to be especially careful in our words because they are especially powerful. Its one thing when you are going off on some random tangent about something but when you speak something intimate or when you speak in judgement or when you speak in definition it is very important to be cautious. I propose descriptive terms. We can describe in detail the way our bodies feel when we are close to someone we want terribly and its way more hot than all those old played out terms. We can describe a feeling we get when we meet our best friends new ultra-lame lover or the awesome one...our faces can say alot so that we dont have to. Of course many of my expressions can be misread, but people tend to question when it seems like an overreaction or something.
We can watch our judgements more carefully and not allow them to slip from our lips untamed.(Its good to find where inside us they are coming from before we place them on others or avoid interacting with folks in ways that make us uncomfortable, if necessary) There are ways to recognize our bullshit. All of us need to work on it.
My words could be more beautiful, I could avoid fear by diving into beauty and describing it more clearly, by being less afraid. If i speak in ways that dont align with what I am attempting to do then I want to be questioned so I can make sure my wishes are going the way I want them to, or so that I can officially disregard what I wanted knowledgeably. I don't want anything I don't want, not right now anyways. Multiple people seem to think otherwise but that's another tangent.